CUSTOMER SATISFACTION QUESTIONNAIRE -- GOD,
Inc.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be
kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name
or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
| __ Newspaper |
__ Other Book |
| __ Television |
__ Divine Inspiration |
| __ Word of mouth |
__ Near Death Experience |
| __ Tabloid |
__ Burning Shrubbery |
| __ Bible |
__ Torah |
| __ Other (specify): |
|
2. Which model God did you acquire?
| __ Yahweh |
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet |
| __ Jehovah |
__ Jesus |
| __ Allah |
__ Satan |
| __ God |
__ G-d |
| __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god |
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
| __ Yes |
__ No |
| If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered: |
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please
check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Indoctrinated by society
| __ Needed a reason to live |
__ Needed focus in whom to despise |
| __ Imaginary friend grew up |
__ Hate to think for myself |
| __ Fear of death |
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys |
| __ Wanted to piss off parents |
__ Needed a day away from work |
| __ Desperate need for certainty |
__ Like Organ Music |
| __ Need to feel Morally Superior |
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it |
5. Have you ever worshipped another God before?
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
| __ Odin |
__ Cthulhu |
| __ Zeus |
__ The Almighty Dollar |
| __ Appolo |
__ Left Wing Liberalism |
| __ Ra |
__ Barney T.B.P.D. |
| __ The Great Spirit |
__ The Great Pumpkin |
| __ The Sun |
__ Bill Clinton |
| __ The Moon |
__ A burning cabbage |
| __ The Bomb |
__ Other: |
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
| __ Tarot |
__ Lottery |
| __ Astrology |
__ Television |
| __ Fortune cookies |
__ Ann Landers |
| __ Dianetics |
__ Psychic Friends Network |
| __ Palmistry |
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl |
| __ Self-help books |
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll |
| __ Biorythms |
__ Bill Clinton |
| __ Tea Leaves |
__ ESP |
| __ Mantras |
__ Jimmy Swaggert |
| __ Crystals |
__ Human Sacrifice9 |
| __ Pyramids |
__ Wandering around a desert |
| __ Insurance policies |
__ Burning Shrubbery |
| __ Barney T.B.P.D. |
__ Barney Fife |
| __ None |
__ Other: |
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
| Disasters |
| flood |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| famine |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| earthquake |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| war |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| pestilence |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| plague |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| SPAM |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| AOL |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| Miracles |
| rescues |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| spontaneous remissions |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| stars hovering over towns |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| crying statues |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| water changing to wine |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| walking on water |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| talking flaming shrubbery |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| VCRs that set their own clocks |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| Saddam Hussein still alive |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| Cubs winning the Series |
1 2 3 4 5 |
| Clinton's re-election |
1 2 3 4 5 |
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
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All Questions and Comments go to Brian Hechinger